Without Her Captain
by ThePurpleDragoness
Summary: SPOILERS for Star Trek: Into Darkness. Then came those three words that broke him, shattered him, tore his supposedly cold heart to shreds: "I'm scared, Spock," ... No ship should go down Without Her Captain. Rated T for char. death, canon, gen, slash if you squint REALLY hard. One of the most heart-wrenching scenes I've ever watched.


AN: Okay, so I wrote this a few weeks ago, just a few days after the movie became available to own on iTunes. I'd probably seen it 20 times in the intervening week, and I stilll found this to be one of the most wrenching scenes. If this gets some feedback I might write a few more... Please be gentle with me, this is maybe the 2nd or 3rd fanfic I've written in my _LIFE_, probably about the 5th piece of creative writing I've actually put my mind to _ever_.

No ship should go down without her captain. No captain should go down without his ship.

* * *

He was panicking. In a very Vulcan way of course, but he was panicking nonetheless. It sounds completely illogical, but Spock knows that nothing to do with his captain is logical, so he accepts without question that the reason for the pain in his side is that his heart skipped a beat when he heard Engineer Scott's voice over the comm,

_"Sir, you'd better get down here... Better hurry."_

So, obviously the pain was caused by his heart skipping a beat. Of course, the continued phenomena must then be the result of his heart now rapidly speeding up, overcompensating in an attempt to make up for the lost beat... Alternatively, his racing heart could also be the result of his sprint through the Enterprise.

None of the crew members he passed bothered to accost him. They all knew that if the Commander was making a mad dash like this, it had to do with the captain and they were better off just not distracting him.

He approached the warp core to see Engineer Scott standing alone. He looked sullen, grim, and slightly... shamefaced? Gone were the engineer's normally bright attitude and brusque mannerisms. Spock met his eyes for only a moment before he darted his eyes toward the core, then down and away again.

He made his way to the glass door proclaiming that there were radioactive materials inside and that the area was for "**AUTHORIZED PERSONNEL ONLY**". He glanced down to see Kirk behind the door and felt his tightly held control crack immediately. Straightaway he turned to Scotty,

"Open it," he ordered. Scotty looked at him through the tears blurring his vision and forced his voice past the lump in his throat to reply.  
"The decontamination process is not complete, you'd flood the whole compartment. The door's locked sir," he managed thickly.

Spock turned his gaze back to the door and crouched down. There he was... Kirk, so close yet so far, panting as he dragged himself that last inch to lean against the door. He reached up behind him and hit the button to lock the blast door that kept the worst of the radiation at bay, of course, it was far too late. _Much too late_. Kirk's gaze found his, dilithium blue, striking as ever against bloodshot eyes. Spock had always found Kirk's eyes fascinating, they often had the appearance of glowing.

_'That's illogical, Spock,'_ A laughing voice that sounded eerily like Kirk chimed in the back of his mind. _'Humans aren't capable of bioluminescence! What did they even teach you in those Vulcan schools, huh?'_

Spock could barely recognize his captain. He looked so small and frail in that moment. Spock could see that pain was wracking his body, small tremors coursing through it. Bloodshot eyes set in a face with skin washed pale aside from the unhealthy flush of his cheeks, a sheen of sweat lay across his ashen features. His breathing was rough and came in shallow gasps and pants.

His voice sounded small and coarse, and it pained Spock to hear it.  
"How's our ship?" He rasped out in a whisper, _(our ship? It was always your ship Jim. Your crew.)_ "Out of danger," he answered, tears welling up in his own eyes, "you saved the crew" _(you always save the crew, you make stupid sacrifices to save everyone but yourself... I guess this is just one more.)_ "You used what he wanted against him," _(even on the brink of death he manages to sound admiring. He's always admiring, supporting, and what does he get in return?)_ "that's a nice move,"

"It is what you would have done"

"And this," he looks down for a moment before flicking his eyes back up to Spock, "this is what you would have done."

Now it was Spock's turn to look down,

"It was only logical," Jim continued.  
Then came those three words that broke him, shattered him, tore his supposedly cold heart to shreds:

"I'm scared, Spock," he gasps out and Spock can't keep the tears from his eyes. He barely feels his face contort into an expression of anguish. His captain, so caring and proud and so, so brave... it hurts him like a physical wound to see the Captain so childlike and afraid.

"Help me not be." Kirk turns his gaze to the floor and moves his eyes as though searching the ground for something, "How do you choose not to feel?"

Spock is crying now, quietly by human standards, but crying nonetheless, he is shaking his head minutely as if his body is attempting to deny the situation.  
"I do not know," he replies with a wavering voice, "Right now, I am feeling."

Kirk meets his eyes once more, "I want you to know why I couldn't let you die... why I went back for you,"  
"Because you are my friend." Spock says, the tear threatening to fall from his left eye finally dropping to the ground.

Jim's breathing becomes even more labored, and with a Herculean effort manages to lift up a hand and press it to the glass separating them. Spock lifts the Vulcan salute and presses it to the glass where Kirk's hand is, and Kirk slowly twitches his fingers into a matching gesture. Spock looks from their hands pressed to the glass back to Kirk's face, and Kirk meets his eyes one last time. Kirk's breathing hitches, stops. His mouth twitches as though still trying to draw in air, but he is simply incapable of breathing.

Another moment and Kirk is gone, his hands slips from where it is pressed to Spock's through the glass and slides down the door, his eyes staring endlessly into the abyss. Scotty's face is wet and he starts when he hears Uhura approaching. She observes the scene before her and covers her mouth in horror as he looks back to the two men in front of them. Spock feels grief give way to anger as he contemplates how all this came to be. An expression of fury overcomes his face and he roars in rage and pain, one word. **"KHAAAAAAAAAN!"**


End file.
